


More than satisfactory

by Deanpala



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alexithymia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Child Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Gen, Hank Anderson & Connor Parent-Child Relationship, Human Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 02:38:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17889917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deanpala/pseuds/Deanpala
Summary: Connor knew there was something wrong with him.And it wasn’t just because Amanda said it! (though she was right) it was just…. People are supposed to understand themselves and others, people are supposed to feel and Connor could not for the life of him identify a single feeling in him.He felt like he was… incomplete. Like a failed approximation of a person.~~~Or Connor can't feel things the way he's supposed to and thinks he's not human





	More than satisfactory

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first DBH fic I have no idea if this is in character but here ya go

Connor knew there was something wrong with him.

And it wasn’t just because Amanda said it! (though she was right) it was just…. People are supposed to understand themselves and others, people are supposed to feel and Connor could not for the life of him identify a single feeling in him.

He felt like he was… incomplete. Like a failed approximation of a person. No one else said it but he KNEW they could tell. It’s why everyone avoided him.

But this old man… he seemed to miss the memo.

“So this will be your room…. It’s not much but it’s gotta be better than that shitty orphanage right?”

“It will be more than sufficient. Thank you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A social worker comes by once a week to make sure he’s being treated well and he’s happy.

Connor absolutely hates it.

“How are you feeling?” he asks every time. “How do you like it?”

“Happy. It’s good here, Hank provides all my necessities. Everything is satisfactory.”

Connor says it because he knows it’s the right answer. He says it because Hank does take care of him, and that people should feel happy in such circumstances.

But he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what he feels. Comfortably numb perhaps. Maybe content?

Being here doesn’t twist his gut into knots, and he supposes that’s enough for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hank? What is love?”

“What?”

“What is love?”

“Look, if you aren’t into that right now, heck if you aren’t ever into it, that’s fine there’s nothing wrong with staying single I mean-“

“No I know that. But what is love? All of it not just dating stuff.”

“What brought this up?”

“It’s just…. Everyone talks about it all the time and I don’t- I never understand what they’re TALKING about. I mean I think I love you and Sumo and school and my friends but… I don’t know.”

“Okay well then tell me this. What do me and Sumo and your friends make you feel?”

“I guess… warm?”

“And that’s good?”

“Yes.”

“Well that sounds like love to me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Connor finally pieced it together.

He knew he was wrong, and broken, but with the revolution taking place, it all finally makes sense.

He is a machine.

Connor lays out all the facts to be sure and they all point to the same thing.

· O He’s good at calculations and can do the same thing for hours on end without getting bored

· O He has superior senses, his sense of smell specifically is very sensitive

· O He sleeps very little

· O He remembers even the smallest things

· O When idle he does the exact same motions over and over

· O He doesn’t remember anything before the orphanage despite being eleven

· OHumans can feel and understand emotions. He can only fake them

He can even tell he was supposed to have an LED. He can feel it, a perfect little circle right on his left temple…..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Connor starts distancing himself from Hank and throwing himself into his school work. He knows he shouldn’t, but he also knows Hank hates androids and that he can’t keep lying to Hank about what he is when the official day to decide whether he actually gets adopted is coming soon and it just wouldn’t be fair to Hank to trick him into becoming attached and having to live with him forever.

He doesn’t want to tell him either though.

So he settles for being as cold as possible so Hank will hopefully decide not to keep him. He hates to think what would happen if he was discovered as an android, especially with everything currently going on.

There’s a knock on his door and he lets out a shout of “Come in!”

Hank enters and is silently looking around for a moment before speaking and it puzzles Connor because he’s usually a very blunt guy who doesn’t hesitate on saying what’s on his mind.

“You’ve been in here awhile. You okay?”

Ah yes. Emotional conversation. That would explain it.

“I am fine.”

“You’re clearly not. Look whatevers wrong I-“

“Worry is a useless emotion as feeling it does nothing to actually improve a situation. And it is especially useless right now as I am operating at peak efficiency. Now if there’s nothing pressing I would like to get back to my work.”

“Well fuck you to. Last time I offer help.”

V Distant

As Hank storms out of the room Connors chest feels like it’s been bruised.

The comment had hurt, but it was a good sign. He would go back where he belonged.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He doesn’t know what set him off.

It was the weekend, but Hank got called in for work and Connor was left home alone on short notice. Connor was just doing the dishes when he suddenly frozen and it was too hot and at the same time the coldest he’d ever been and his lungs were being squeezed tightly and he couldn’t breathe and-

“I’m fine. Everything is satisfactory and I’m in no immediate danger. Everything is satisfactory and I’m in no immediate danger. Everything is-“

He was laughing and crying at the same time. He knew those weren’t supposed to go together and nothing even happened to make him act this way.

A bath. Maybe a bath would help melt the coldness away and he knew when there was something warm in his chest it was something good he just needed to get warm-

He ran into the bathroom and turned the hot water on full blast, climbing in fully clothed.

There was steam rising and his skin hurt and was turning red but that was ok. Connor just needed to stay in here until he felt warm again, until the feeling went away until-

He turned the hot water on again. It didn’t help.

This was so dramatic. He knew he couldn’t feel things, he had no reason to be upset, and there was no one here to even watch this little show he was putting on.

But suddenly Connors somewhere else, somewhere he hasn’t been in two years with a dark-skinned and someone who looks a lot like him but older.

(“What are you doing with Connor?”

“I’m getting rid of him. I will not let that- that FREAK live in our house with my son!”

“Mom there’s nothing wrong with Connor-“

The yelling made him so cold as he tried to hide under the table.

“Nothing wrong? Nothing wrong? Look at him! He freaks out over the smallest things, he has no friends, and when’s the last time he let you touch him? When’s the last time you saw him emote in anyway?!?! If he had just been a normal kid none of this would be happening!”

The man- a boy really- stood protective in front of his hiding spot as best as he was able, and his fist trembled.

“So he’s a little quirky so what??? You can’t blame him for every little thing just because you don’t try to understand him!”

“I don’t care what you say Richard this is my house and I will not let him stay here.”

There was a long pause before Richard finally answered.

“Fine. Let’s wait till morning when the foster home will be open and you’ve had time to think about this-“

Amanda grabbed a gun and Connor yelped as he was yanked forward, a perfect little circle was pressed into his left temple.

“Put the gun down don’t- he’s your son he…. I’ll take him tonight, help him pack his bag real quick and you won’t see him again just- please. Put it down.”

That was the last time he saw either of them.)

Connor sits in the too hot bath giving deep heaving gasps like a fish out of water and running his hands through his hair so much the water slowly starts to turn red- because he needs SOMETHING soothing and familiar and repetitive- until Hank comes home.

Hank freaks out and tries to get him to speak, to stop crying and hyperventilating, and Connor does finally stop when he sees the water.

It’s red. Not blue or clear but… red.

He starts laughing. He’s human. He can stay with Hank and everything will be fine now.

He falls forward into Hanks shoulder as the man panics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Connor wakes up three hours later to Hank immediately shouting and mother Henning over him there is no ice in his spine, no racing heart or tightness like before, but something else entirely.

^ Warmth

Connor didn’t know what was wrong with him. He didn’t know how to tell emotions apart, or why Richard didn’t leave with him, he didn’t know why he was the way he was. He didn’t know why he freaked out or if it would happen again.

But he knew Hank loved him, and he knew he felt something soft and warm for Hank and that that something meant good things. He knew despite this episode and how he’d been acting Hank was going to adopt him, and that this would be his home, his family.

He thought about when Hank had said well that sounds like love to me.

He didn’t know. He didn’t know if he would ever know or understand.

But that didn’t matter. Because the stuff he did know? Was more than satisfactory.


End file.
